I wrote this post down in a notebook about a week ago, on October 14th to be exact. It was during pregnancy and infant loss awareness week and I wanted to put down into words what I had been through. Here is what I wrote.
There are fewer more gut-wrenching words to hear than “I’m sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat” and I wouldn’t wish these 7 words onto my worst enemy. We went to our first hospital appointment (September 27th) after finding out that we were pregnant full of hope, happiness and excitement; we came out of that appointment heartbroken and with another scheduled for two days later when I would start a medically induced miscarriage. I thought I was almost 13 weeks at that stage, but we were told that our baby had died a little shy of 9 weeks – we had no idea until that moment. Apparently, my body hadn’t figured it out yet. Maybe it just didn’t want to let go of that little baby.
Our world came crashing down on us that day and the two weeks that followed were the worst of my life. We had a hospital stay on the Thursday night (September 29th) and once we left on Friday afternoon we thought it was all over. I had passed our baby and he or she was gone. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The following Tuesday night (October 4th) included an ambulance being called, another overnight hospital stay and a very scary few hours as I bled heavily and was in a lot go pain. Although I had passed the baby the previous Friday, there was a lot left behind and needed to be gotten rid of. After an ultrasound scan, we knew it was all finally over.
We are still grieving for our baby a few weeks after that first scan day and I know that I won’t ever be the same. I’ve experienced something deep and painful and I have days where I find it hard to function properly, constantly thinking about the baby we lost and all the plans we had for him or her. We might go on to have children and, truthfully, I’m desperate for that, but it’ll take some time to be brave enough to try again knowing that this could happen for a second time. And I know it has happened to many women more than just twice, and my heart breaks for those women.
Family and friends have been the support we’ve needed over these past few weeks and I don’t think either my husband or I could’ve done it without them – we really are so lucky to have the best people around us. They’ve been there when we’ve needed them, even just to say “sorry for your loss” and sit quietly by our sides. They’ve shared our sorrow and held our hands as we’ve cried and given us everything they could to get us through.
Some days I feel positive and really feel like we’re moving forward, other days it feels like I’ll never be able to get past this sadness and I ache for our baby. I’m broken and it’s going to take time to put myself back together again, but I will do it with my husband right by my side. We are stronger because of this experience and I adore our family of two right now.
It seems apt to be writing this during baby loss awareness week, which happens every 9th-15th October. The charities leading Baby Loss Awareness Week provide support to anyone affected by pregnancy loss and the death of a baby, and work with health professionals and services to improve care. Tomorrow, October 15th, is Baby Loss Awareness Day and we will join in the Wave of Light to remember our little one. We will light a candle at 7pm local time and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to remember all babies that have died too soon. We will then, and always, remember our precious angel baby, who was too beautiful for earth, as we move forward with our lives.
I carried you every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mineUnknown
Due 6th April 2017, lost 30th September 2016.